Busmanship (1970)

The following pieces of advice are of particular interest to those who travel to and from school by bus, especially on double deckers. They concern the art of "busmanship", or how to work your way to the front of the queue and get on the bus as quickly as possible. As an experienced busman (as opposed to bus man), I have devised several tactics, described below.

1. "Full-up" tactics.

In the bus looks lull, and you are near the back of the queue, NEVER, especially when the bus pulls up a few feet away from the kerb, step out into the road and try to get on the bus. The rest of the herd will do this, with resulting chaos. The experienced busman would calmly walk up to the bus stop and place his briefcase next to it. When the bus is full and the others are ordered off, they will line up behind you

2. The "no driver" ploy.

If, when the bus comes the driver gets out, the chances are that another bus will come and overtake it. Sometimes this can be very useful. The lay-passengers will get on the driverless bus and sit there, not knowing what to do. The busman will move to the front of the queue and wait until the other bus comes. When it comes he gets on and watches the others, who were before him in the queue scrambling off the driverless bus. Then one of two things may happen. Either the second bus will move off and leave the lay-passengers on the driverless bus, or better still, both buses will move off simultaneously and leave them stranded at the bus stop. 

3. The "five-standing inside" gambit,

When the conductor only lets people go upstairs see if there are any people standing. If there are, use the "full-up tactics". If there are not, take up a position that enables immediate access to the lower deck While the lay-passengers are scrambling upstairs, the conductor will say "Five standing inside only". At this, the busman will suddenly shoot inside, while the lay-passengers are scrambling downstairs in a disorganised muddle.

4. The "single-decker" ploy. Best advice walk!

(with apologies to Stephen Potter).